Dear men, I’m eternally grateful to you. For all the scars you left on me. For leaving fresh ones while I’m healing from the past. For the little brushes of oozing sexual frustration. For the serious ones you categorize as assaults. Dear men, thank you.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I see you staring down at me. I wonder how you got in, I had made sure thrice that my room was locked. But you were gone when I switched the lights on. Ah, it’s just your shadow, and the shadow cannot rape me. Funny how I get your attention only if I use ‘rape’, isn’t it?
Sometimes I feel you grabbing my vagina. I don’t have to look around this time, I know its just your shadow, but even your shadow is frightening. Dear men, how do you kill me without being physically present?
It has been years, so you might not remember me, and we cannot expect a predator to have memories of all his preys, right? But, I remember you. I might have forgotten the shape of your face and the colour of your eyes. Were you a ‘decent-looking-gentleman’ that day? or did you have paan stained teeth? or were you a shy teenager? I don’t know. But I can clearly recall the repulsive look of accomplishment you had after grabbing me in the metro. The way you laughed. The way you made eye contact, without even a hint of guilt. Your eyes told me that you knew I wouldn’t do anything. You knew I will only freeze, have a chill down my spine, count my rapid heartbeats, search for the correct you in a space packed with many men, shudder again, somehow force all the infuriating pain I have into a look of disgust and feel bad about doing just that. You knew I wouldn’t shout or scream. You knew you could trust the strangers around us to protect you if I do that. I don’t have proof. No one else saw that, only you. Even if they did, you knew they would be silent or say, Harr cheez ka ladiz log ne randi-rona kar rakha hai*. If womxn made everything an issue, the world would call them ‘witches’ and silence them with flames.
Dear men, I remember everything.
Dear men, thank you.
* Harr cheez ka ladiz log ne randi-rona kar rakha hai– Derogotory phrase in colloquial Hindi meaning “Womxn make everything an issue these days”. Literal translation being “ladies be like a crying prostitute for every assault/harassment”.
Old soul with young eyes 